Random ramblings

TICK TOCK TICK

Tick Tock Tick

This is something I’ve been thinking about lately. This is something that has been haunting me lately. I don’t mean to burden you. I don’t mean to scare you either. Nor am I trying to relieve my mind by letting it flow. Or perhaps I am. But penning it down would do no good. Penning it down won’t make things easier for you and me.

Perhaps you’ve guessed what I am talking about. Perhaps you can sense what is to come next. Perhaps you want to hit the exit button this moment and not read the upcoming depressing thoughts. Perhaps you don’t want to ruin your bright day with gloomy thoughts by reading on. Exit now if you wish to, but these aren’t just gloomy depressing thoughts…this I have been realising more and more recently is the biggest fact of life….about this temporary life. The clock is ticking away, the minutes are numbered.

I am not sure what I am wishing to write down. Perhaps you may find this as a very different post from my past ones. Perhaps you might wonder what’s gotten into her so suddenly. Perhaps you might think I am either going through one of my “emotional mother hormone” or perhaps that I’ve had a bad day or a bad week and am just depressed about it. I quite disagree. This post has nothing to do with my personal life at the moment. It’s just something I’ve been thinking about for quite a few months. Perhaps in tids bits but the thoughts seem to become stronger each week. I often think about death these days and the thought just explodes in my head suddenly…whilst I am eating, cooking or at times when I am feeding my infant…there isn’t a particular thing triggering it. Yes, what triggered it in the first place can be examined a little.

Well if I think carefully about it…perhaps it has become quite dominant after I became a parent. Mostly because I tend to think that I’ve grown old and that I’ve wasted 26 years of my life…well to be fair 27…since my birthday is only 2 months away. But then when I look closely at my daughter …her innocence and lack of understanding of the right and the wrong, I realise that I can’t count all those years of childhood and adolescence. Perhaps even if I start counting from when I turned 15…that still means over a decade worth of unjustified wasted time!

Wasted? Let us examine this in a bit more detail…studying for O-levels, studying for A-levels, studying for Chartered Accountancy and side by side completing my training period with an audit firm…a 8 am to 9 pm job with hardly any weekends free…rushed Namaz but being steadfast in fasting! Wedding arrangements, getting married, adjusting to a new life country and job, pregnancy and now motherhood! I guess that’s far from wasted, wouldn’t you agree?

But if I were to look closely…is that all there is to life? Running after one goal to another? Embarking on one journey after another? I think not! Embarrassed as I am to admit but the truth is, ever since I moved from Pakistan I have moved away from religion too. Owing to a year-long maternity leave, it should’ve been the other way round but being ever engrossed in house chores and caring for a newborn…sigh…that really never happened. True I have made some time for reading the Holy Quran every day (you can read more on how I incorporated that in my busy routine here) but is that really enough? Does that relieve me of all my duties?

I remember back home I used to think more about helping those in need perhaps because I witnessed the hardships of my maids, peons and those around me. In fact, I remember putting aside some of my pocket money and also helping the needy on ad hoc basis. I remember those days of Ramadan when I would peacefully offer my prayers and some extra Tasbeehs for more rewards. I remember how during exam days I would find myself closer and ever more relying on God. How every time the phone rang I would answer with Aslamoalikum. Perhaps these aren’t really noble deeds…perhaps these are pretty much ordinary days that you may be doing every day. However, unfortunately, moving to a non-Muslim country…I don’t have these little opportunities anymore. And somewhere in my heart, I feel as if I keep drifting away from religion and Allah more and more each passing day. In fact, the weight of this thought has started to burden my heart now.

This feeling got more prominent when my friend’s father passed away. He wasn’t just my friend’s father, he was also a close relative of mine. Though I didn’t meet him often but I always heard my mother and Aunts praise him in the highest of words. He was a man who would be anyone’s ideal. He was a charming, successful businessman but most importantly he was a down to earth, charitable man. 10 minutes of interaction with him would’ve been enough to win you over. And he was so active, always on the go…different business projects, being there for people when they needed him, attending all social gatherings. He wasn’t too old (his eldest daughter the same age as mine) so his death came as a shock to all of us. I remember him fondly for the time when he had introduced me to all his friends and family as a “very intelligent and bright student” and how he had been there to help out with my grandmother’s care and her funeral. His death was so sudden so unexpected. No illness, no accident…a heart stroke and he passed away.

It was an eye opener for me in some ways. It’s been 5 months since he passed away now (May Allah give him the highest rank in Paradise). And ever since his death, I’ve been assessing life more critically. I am ashamed to say that I haven’t made any drastic improvements yet but at least it makes me think more about my death and about the time is ticking away. Who know my number may be next. And what have I done to prepare for the never ending life in the Hereafter?

The thought keeps haunting me now and then and I find myself just praying to Allah for help and reciting a few Tasbeeh as and when possible. I think the purpose for writing this all down was perhaps to make a promise to myself here and now that I will do more to prepare for the Hereafter. And Inshallah I will stick to this promise now.

 

If you have been experiencing any such thoughts, or if my article made you think twice…then please do add in a few tips, in the comment section below, on how we can prepare better for the Hereafter and make some more time for Allah. May Allah help us all!

 

22 thoughts on “TICK TOCK TICK

  1. Sorry to hear about your friends father. Inna lillahi wa inna ilayhi rajioon

    I think many go through this stage of thinking. I am in my early 30’s and I often think I have wasted my life. The feelings got worse when I became a stay at home mum with my youngest. I am more of a get up and go person rather than a sit at home and cook and clean person (not that there is anything wrong with that0.

    1. I think being a stay home mum would give us more time to contemplate and get close to Allah…unfortunately, I keep myself pre-occupied with other worldly stuff 🙁

  2. We often get lost in daily struggles and running after trivia. I know what burn-out means but I had it to learn the really hard way. Of course we have to work to buy food but we shouldn’t neglect the food for mind, heart and soul. When everything is ‘too much’ for me, I find my peace again in a mosque. Contemplation centers me again. Our prayers and our devotion to Allah sends out powerful signals. You have already mastered the first station when you noted that you have to change something. May Allah make it easy for you!

    1. Yes but I find its hard to find time for peaceful contemplation in this ever busy life. We are just running from one thing to the next without stopping

  3. I had similar thoughts when my aunt passed a few years ago. While it’s great to evaluate your life and daily activities, please remember to move forward and not let this bring you down as it did me. May Allah reward your uncle and give you and your extended family patience in this difficult time.

    1. Yes definitely instead of just being sad and depressed about it, we should do something to make the life Hereafter easier for us

  4. Inna lilllahi wa inna ilayhi raajiun.

    I, for one, really appreciated this post, Hina! We never want to think about death, but as Sh. Hamza says, it’s the only guarantee we have in life. So we do we avoid it like it’s not going to be happen? I’ve been thinking about my parents’ old age and it makes me cry seeing them struggle with everyday things. But like your friend’s father, age has no necessary relation to our mortality.

    Girl, I feel you. Life has had a way of making me feel like I’ve abandoned some of the good things I was doing back when I was a single young woman. I wanted to be an alima… and now I blog about how much I love cake. But you know what, these reminders about the life you used to lead are all ways to come back to Allah (swt). If you feel proud of your ibadat, there’s a chance that it might not be accepted. A Muslim should always feel in need of Allah (swt), a feel of longing. This is an indication I believe that even though you may feel you have abandoned Him, He has not abandoned you. Allah (swt) tests with our travails in life. Just because you aren’t able to do all that you used to back in Pakistan doesn’t mean you’ve let go. This is your test, with you new life. Insha’Allah you’ll be fine!

    1. Thanks so much for the appreciation Rafia.
      Yes you are right, we have become so over engrossed in our lives and even in this blogging for that matter. I mean I know the same amount of time that I spend writing these posts I couldve used that in praying instead but here I am…I guess we need really strong will power. May Allah guide us all.

  5. Sorry to hear about the sad demise of your friend’s father.
    Personally I don’t like being called a stay-at-home mum but that’s what I have decided to do until my boy starts school because I really don’t want to leave it under the care of a child minder. I feel I was more active religiously when I used to work. I used to pray on time and even read the Quranic verses regularly.

    Fatima | http://www.blogsbyfa.com

    1. Yes you are right! When we have a lot to do in a small amount of time then we are the most active. But when we know we are home and have all the time to pray, we keep prolonging it

  6. We should prepare ourselves for here after ..But we are too much busy in the wordly stuff ..Your post is a nice reminder for us..

  7. Thanks for the reminder, Hina.
    Well, If we keep our Niah, intention pure, every act of ours become an Ibada. Whether raising a kid according to the Islamic teachings, offering prayers, cooking for all, going out of the home to help the Muslim women there.
    Offering Condolences etc. Really sad to hear the demise of your uncle.

    1. Wow…that is an amazing thought Myda…I never thought of it this way. But yes you are right. Hopefully I will implement this in my daily life from today Inshallah

  8. It’s true that most of us forget the real, true purpose of life (myself included). We plan that we will start from tomorrow not knowing whether that tomorrow would come. Our naivety!

    Then there are those times when the ticking of clock is what derives us on… Ever since losing a dear person I have felt that it has brought me closer to my Lord. And sometimes it’s the fact that this is a temporary abode that enables me to put one step ahead of the other.. The fact that all hardships and all.joys are temporary.

    Your realistic approach in writing is great dear.

    1. Yes we never realise how temporary and immaterial this world is until someone close to us passes away.

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